different topics, ideas, for different age ranges and folks.

Interesting news, poetry, troubles of the everyday man.
[ When I'm strange. Defending moral values amongst the presumably immoral since the millenium. ]

how I almost died! (click to view)

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

R.i.p phil hoffman

For me it's now or never. I'm getting off methadone yet again because I've accepted the fact that I can't do "methadone alone", get a week's worth of take home bottles and stay clean. so for the 4th and last time, I'm going to get off and try to stay clean. Simply because I will NOT walk through mmtp doors ever again after I get off. If I fuck up again, that'll be it. I accept the ultimate consequence which will come in only a matter of time.

I ran across the first psychiatrist I met in staten island. The first doctor, back in end of 2004 fall semester. I overdosed twice in two weeks. He put me in inpatient psych. This recent coming across, he said "paul man, you're aging faster than me, it's time to get "in the zone" " 

I quote.

He's right, If I can't take a enjoyable walk by the beach I won't live suffering with something like hemodialysis. I'll do what's to be done in peace.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Legal aid(sociopath) got nerve.

I'm in the hospital after something pretty serious NOT drug related happens. A staff member brings heroin to other staff, $100 worth, they call cops. I got handcuffed to the bed, assigned a court date. We go from they can't do anything since it's drugs IN A HOSPITAL, so I figure we all go home happy. Insteaad, we go from outpatient doesn't accept you to the inevitable, rehab; possibly long term.he I get assigned a further court date since he doesn't accept. Delaying the inevitable. I don't know if these drops help advance his legal career or he's just lazy or... If 28 day gets denied changed to long term, I'm changing plea, stating fact. Staff member, lower-tier brings drugs to other staff claiming it's mine, it ends in this. I've accepted every consequence in prior drug-related arrests and have had no legal problems. Now it's his word against mine and they won't even get him to come in.

We'll see.

Funny People.

So I sat down to watch funny people, 2 and a half hour long movie. As the player window opened, I misclicked the line which shows how far along the movie is. It came to 1:06:00. The player froze for a moment but I saw the sub-titles right away.

"It's just death calling. Cheer me up, motherfucker."

aaaaaaaaaaahh. that's 7 seconds. what are the chances that'd be where I'd click.

Ages ago, at my therapists office, I saw a poster that said "Coincidences are gods way of staying anonymous."


вот что значет жит и каифават

I was wrong about staying on methadone for the rest of my life. I have to get off and stay off. Istay if I stay on, I will smoke. I'm diabetic, type 1. hard to control to the tee. If I smoke I'm being careless. If careless, I will occasionally use. Which means blowing money and adding to the problem of smoking. Even worse, I prefer to speedball which means cutting heroin with cocaine and IVing. Cocaine's cuts cause problems with blood vessels and with smoking; eventually arteries.

Enough said.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Nostalgia, stunned by his joy.

He sat across from me with his wife, and I saw no tension. though, his wife seemed frustrated with him. Skipping a few moments, his wife asks him shockingly "He is retarded!?!" And in a near Godfather voice, he says "Yeah!". They both smiled looking at each other. I was stunned that his wife's mood changed so quick by such a comment. To the better. I was STUNNED. AMAZED. It made her so light-hearted in a near-joyous smile. For the rest of the ferry ride; I did my best to play the act of an autistic guy. Because unlike my usual desire to be an asshole. I wanted to be kind behind all the tension. Plus the methadone withdrawal which he saw multiple times prior at the program. I suppose that's what inacted this moment. I spent approximately the last 3 hours doing what I enjoy on a saturday night; the only place I'm comfortable around/with people. At a hospital. Suffering and listening to myself talk about the special moments and people of my past. What I mentioned prior is what made that man special. He's asked multiple times what his name is and I always forget. Some italian-generic.

Today I decided on religions.

Muslims have manners.
Jews have respect.
Catholics have money.
And Christians...have nonsense.

Which is the one and only reason I consider myself a christian and have widened-respect for muslims. Asociation with jews and LOVE for catholic broads. There, I said it...BROADS.

was doing what I enjoy where I enjoy on a saturday night with other people who are doing the same thing. like drinking at a bar, or dancing at a night club. Suffering and listening to myself talk at a hospital behind a curtain where noone can see me on a Saturday Night.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Ahem, well..

being a shameless drug addict doesn't indicate one is a sociopath.

if you understand russian:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBJaw83rQhg at 1:40

ya hudeyu v nashem zooparke.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

I'm not an addict...

maybe that's a lie.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Birthdays are nice till you hit 30.

may 27 I'm turning 31. Damn.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Reminder of addiction.

Perhaps I'll be on methadone for the rest of my life. It keeps the craving away while providing the reminder that I'm an addict. Suboxone only serves the medicating purpose. While methadone hassles me a bit with travel and the sunday bottle. Perhaps one day I'll travel less and have more containers when I'm completely staying away from the syringe for purposes other than...diabetes.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Question to this " anna marie ".

are you my ex-methadone counselour!?  if you are, email me, paulgeller@gmail.com

also, for some odd reason, i don't miss her too much these days and to be quiet frank, I have minimal interest in anyone else.