different topics, ideas, for different age ranges and folks.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh since there's less cleaning up to do afterwards. -K. Vonnegut
[
Consequences of the "inability to feel shame." ]

how I almost died! (click to view)

My name is paul and I'm an addict.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Memories....

Man the way lennox lewis abused a past prime tyson....noone took iron mike that way.

Cut up. Snot up. Beat up. Lewis stands up. Noone took it to iron mike in the same ferocious way. Holyfield was a joke comparatively. Douglas didn't abuse him. Just beat him.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

First time I was in love.

I was walking down Emmons Ave in sheepshead bay, brooklyn. B4 bus was passed by, I looked across. Penelope Cruz was layed out across in a Blow commercial. She was pretty young then. "Broad was sumpthin' else."

In Narcotics Anonymous, they tell you "Don't tell it as a War Story when you're speaking." Well, if you were driven into such depth of addiction that you made a meeting... what's the alternative. Tossin' a Sob story spin on it?

No exception to this rule. Only TWO kinds of addiction stories exist. War stories and Sob stories. One they're against other one...I'm against on personal principle. Not a drunks/junkies advice.

Nevertheless, When I first used heroin, guy told me in russian, bluntly put: "if you stick a needle in your arm: "You'll live an asshole and die a faggot." Now I see what he mean't. To think I laughed at him trying to talk sense into me.

No exception to that rule either. I've learned over the years. You can be the straightest guy on earth. But you'll only be a junkie so long before sexual interest fades. You use junk, you WILL live like an asshole as well. A jerk off as we new yorkers say. Maybe a lady can blame parents and such. I've noone to blame. Hence there's no anger in me. Just bitter. My mother raised me like a man and I turned into a fucking punk.

Recently, I was in inpatient psych. There was this woman there, (Karen.) well off. Successful daughters. She spent most of her time reading. Coincedentally, on the unit. I ran across a book of my favorite author. Dead Sleep by Greg Iles. I told how about his greatness and how good this book is. She read it. I believe in my narcissistic opinion, she knew who I was beforehand. Book was hers to begin with. Long story short. She tells me she got early stage emphysema. Being it's a lady. I didn't make fucked up jokes on it. I put it bluntly, You need to quit smoking. In reply she more or less said she won't and consequences she doesn't care about. One other person who was there. A man said to me "yo, you want to spend your life on the nod?!" Thing is in 12 years of being a junkie. I've not  shot that amount of heroin to "nod out". For a fact. Maybe because I didn't learn it that way. Growing up on brighton beach, I learned the glory of the speedball. So heroin was just temporary comfort, nothing else.

"When you can quit, you don't want to. When you wan't to...you can't." -Candy(2006) movie.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Раз я обкурился Два раз я ширнулся..

Never thought I'd come across the man I'd call his country's Sinatra.

THIS, is the armenian frankie blue eyes.

Boka - Ti lubov moya pervaya

Went to court on december 4th. Looks like it's come down to TASC or Rykers. Goes to show, even in america, justice is an afforded privilege. Week after waking from a coma (my second one), Hospital staff member hands cops heroin, says it's mine. Evidently, his word makes it a fact.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Thank you newport cab services for envisioning my future.

Was in a cab service. Three other people inside the van. As one got out, another got in. I realised, in the depth of my thought, my location. Local dialysis clinic. The thought which had been on my mind at that time. Is the FACT that the REST OF MY LIFE will be spent attending a METHADONE CLINIC. IRONY is gods way of telling you it's too late for reconsideration. Atleast, TELLING ME.

I'm a juvenile diabetic. I smoke. Ah, well. Atleast I kept my word to the kid, I got off methadone. Only to accept it as my FATE.

"Но всё же вы — рецидивист?" — "Да нет, товарищ, я — Сергеев!" 
ВЛАДИМИР ВЫСОЦКИЙ

Thursday, October 23, 2014

" If I get sick " ... (translated - Vladimir Vysotsky)

If I get sick,
I won't  bother with doctors
I'll come to friends
Do not think I'm delerious
Lay me down a steppe
curtain my windows with fog,
At my head
Hang me a star fallen from skies

I went through.
I had a reputation touchy.
If I'm hurt in fair combat,
bandage my head
with a mountain road
and cover me
With a blanket
of autumn colors.

Powders or drops - aren't needed
Let rays shine in a glass.
Hot desert wind, silver waterfall -
That's what treatment costs.
From the seas and the mountains
and breathes for centuries,
how you'll look and feel
forever we live

Not white wafers
path is littered, though clouds.
Walking away
not through a hospital corridor
But a summer's milky path.


On a less depressing note...

When I see you imma put your cornrows on the yellow lines... " -Jadakiss

hahah.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Ryker's island poet.

I may not be wealthy
I may not be healthy
But after near 20 arrests
with only two weeks in rykers
Must be pretty damned stealthy

Indication of negative sentiment.

I'm off methadone. Today I used. It wasn't just to get high. I felt really sick and in pain. Not to say there wasn't a craving but it was far from untolerable till todays AWFUL sickness.

Reason why NA won't be my means of recovery. It's negative sentiment. One day at the closest local meeting, I believe on midland ave, church basement. There was a speaker. This lady had her anniversary of so much time clean. In the middle of her speech, she admitted she was currently on narcotic pain killers ALONG WITH xanax.

That killed me. I nearly got nauseas hearing her admit to it.

Since the actual rule is not to speak if you've used in the last 24 hours. She smilingly spoke and with the utmost sincerity did so in a manner which indicated she was clean.

Negative sentiment :*(

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Here comes a Best Seller.

The Inconvenience of Lenience.

Given the legal circumstances, attending an outpatient along with getting off methadone (recently done) would be greatly beneficial. To make sure that would occur, I returned to the prolonged half-life junkie's spirit building. Ah, the what would have been fury inflated by likely the methadone in his voice. The, man, himself on it. His wife, recently gotten off. Fury vocally played out as half-witted sarcasm overshadowing spite. He states "You're here, again?" I, Politely replying, he rephrases the question two more times. Given our age difference and the fact that I'd given a teenager I recently met, my word I'd get off it. Being off it today, and greatly noticing the bitterness recited in bordering-rage flowing smoothly through his cigarette-filled vocals. Phew.

That was a rough one. Greg Iles, mayhaps I'll even be in an inpatient reading your last publishing. Rather than coming home from these "groups."

Владимир Высоцкий - Мне ребята сказали

Other day, walking home from the train...

Walking home from the train, coming home from methadone.(just got off it). I saw a man rolling down the long street in a whHeelchair. He had BOTH legs missing hips down. I got so intimidated, I said hello involuntarily. 7 blocks away, still walking. I felt guilty. I realised when I said hello, I'm being a sympathiser. And no more blunt way to spit in a mans face, than that.


My health was sold indirectly to profit. Mortgages are hard to get by these days.

When you can cause ppl grief by "playing the piano" much quicker than Tchaikovsky allows.

Ultima Online , Pre Reinassance ( Pre-UO:R) was an amazing game.

ar video



If Tchaikovsky was a little quicker, exchanging the piano for a keyboard, maybe he could have been heterosexual and lived. Can't really be explained, looking at the screen, it looks silly. Was FAR from.

The Anatomy of a Secret Life.

First guy to have bought me heroin. Year later, I found out these kid-girls that aggravated me/friends(stoned) at the beach. I found out one of them was THE GUYS DAUGHTER. 6 years down the road. She says paul, me and you are going to get married. You're the only man whos ever known my father. I didn't play on that. Few years later, I was on brighton beach, I ran across him. He said he's finally resorted to methadone. Made me depressed. Not long after, daughter told me he died from an overdose. IAM SURE, it was from mainlining cocaine. That shit is NOT to be played games with. Banging blow, thin, REAL thin line between pure pleasure/blowing mitral valve out your fucking asshole. This guy was so full of himself that he can be in full blown withdrawal and laugh in your face, then claim you should give him money to "Raskumaritsa". (russian word , means get-straight)

After his death, I came to terms with being full of yourself (A narcissist) and being confident. Different. Just as mainlining cocaine, sometimes a real thin line in between life and death. Being a selfless simultaneously selfish pig. Years after his death, I had been walking into shop rited AT 3AM at 28 YEARS OLD, Putting 2 beer cans inside jacket pockets and walking out with a straight face to drink em inothers basement.  I realised I'd more or less become her father.

I'm selfless, selfish, an asshole. I live with it because a substantial life insurance policy worth more than my AORTIC VALVE (mild stenosis FROM mainlining cocaine) is NOT available.

Had I finished YALE LAW with flawless memory still partially intact post-subarachnoid hemmorhage 9 years later. I don't think it'd make my father happy. Not for me or himself. He'd say it did, wouldn't be true. He's just always prone to saying/doing the right thing. Because had I done that or anything similar? I'd just be him, the working man living the average life. He grew in communism, sure I'd be a little wealthier. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. BECAUSE THE SHIT HES PUT UP WITH  AS FAR AS I GO, HIS PRONENESS TO "SAYING/DOING THE RIGHT THING" went out the door.