different topics, ideas, for different age ranges and folks.

My name is paul and I'm an addict.
you can make a donation to me, my paypal addy is: pasha52783@gmail.com

A little tale... (creative writing, yours truly)

My name is paul and I'm an addict.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Pretense sustained. Spewly okay.

The bitter end of what's left of me
The critter's mend of a theft spree
Alone in a hole proclaimed victims
It's gotten past the point of relation
Prone to a tone of reclaimed pride
A few days meetings figured i'd confide
In a quick no-thought instance
I resorted to a simple low demise

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Alright man, it's fucking got me. I'm a fucked free man.

By the sack. I dunno. Just wait for the end. Pray it's not prolonged. endorphin deficiency at birth, whatever scientific bullshit there is to spew is irrelevant. I'm fucked. I can clearly picture it in my head if I had friends and a more normal life, itd be the same.... I would come home to an even more insatiable urge. It's eating what's left of me. And that isn't much. A keyboard can only relieve so much pain. Hopefully the suboxone doesn't eat up too much effect right now. I'm miserable.




oh yeah, forgot, NO HOMO.

Friday, June 26, 2015

I even feel awkward at NA meetings, I can describe how I feel at them.

The way I feel at NA meetings is the way a trust fund baby would feel at the 23rd street homeless shelter(manhattan) around 9pm , when the guys are sittin around watchin' tv waiting to be assigned to where they're going to sleep.

I've spent a few nights at that place. I'm not talking out my ass. I know from experience.



Tuesday, June 16, 2015

How can you not sympathise with such a fragile element. (Me - photo may 27/2015 my 32nd birthday)




Me on may 27th this year. I was sober/clean for a little over 50 days at this point. I'm still staying sober.. I quit smoking recently. Today is my fourth day without a cigarette. I am who I am, you know? One odd looking flavorful skinny boy. I live off SSI payments in New york city. Which is pretty hard to get by on if living a decent life. I've survived 2 serious comas(first coma medical records are displayed at top of blog) and it's a miracle I'm alive today. You can help me out via paypal, my paypal addy is pasha52783@gmail.com. A few bucks here and there is great.



Pixiewolf, april 14? yeh, so was "Angela". Maybe I'm wrong. Hard to frame it in chance. But if I'm right, I want to know...



Saturday, June 13, 2015

Sentimental story segments in sequential fragments...(my life's sequence thus far)



Anton Chekhov - Volodya
AT five o'clock one Sunday afternoon in summer, Volodya, a plain, shy, sickly-looking lad of seventeen, was sitting in the arbour of the Shumihins' country villa, feeling dreary.


Anton Chekhov - The Bet

Story begun with"It's not true! I'll bet you two millions you wouldn't stay in solitary confinement for five years."
"If you mean that in earnest," said the young man, "I'll take the bet, but I would stay not five but fifteen years."

Story ended with:

"For fifteen years I have been intently studying earthly life. It is true I have not seen the earth nor men, but in your books I have drunk fragrant wine, I have sung songs, I have hunted stags and wild boars in the forests, have loved women. . . . "

"To-morrow at twelve o'clock I regain my freedom and the right to associate with other men, but before I leave this room and see the sunshine, I think it necessary to say a few words to you. With a clear conscience I tell you, as before God, who beholds me, that I despise freedom and life and health, and all that in your books is called the good things of the world."

Franz Kafka - Josephine The Songstress

As all other pieces of literature I read this prior to what happened to me in 2013.(was in a coma, affected my memory of literature) But how I remember is simply so that Josephine wasn't a marvelous talent. But she sung from the heart. And she was what the community had. Their spirit.




Remains of a brain damaged word smith. Heh. Well Greg Iles used the expression "Kafkaesque Dread" in one of his books. Nothing Dreadful about josephine though, I pray I find spirit in this life to be content.

Iles also said "Tolstoian Pity" amongst other words with other author names. I can't really frame a word to put after Chekhovian. Realism is too blunt.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Since my family gets so much from my living with them....

Cat's causing me allergies. Now they have to take him back where they got him or I can't live here. It's very very easy to hurt even kill an addict living in your house though. So they can easily put me into my third coma and i doubt i'll wake up from this one coherently so they can have every penny I get signed over to them. Which they wanted done after my "UNEXPLAINABLE second coma".  Were told it's impossible if he's coherent. Despite  my long term memory and significant neurological damage. I'm still not impaired to that extent and far from dumb.

I've never in my life used benzodiazepines habitually. Not by prescription not by buying them. And when this coma occured, I was on 50mg of methadone and my mother didn't even bother telling the doctors I'm on methadone.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

this is for Ann marie .(I'm curious what you're like now and where you work as of today.)

I have lost touch with reality now I'm damn near fatal  without the alchemy lifes lost its quality I was so close to an orgasm but then realized I'm in solidarity left half confused half induced options being flawless yet I refused reduced to a dope fiend without  the drug or the people abused get hurt in the home stretch figured I must have misused  tho just missed the vein nervous and being accused of a felony my first prison in the summer i'll die of thirst

Thursday, May 14, 2015

I'm trying this time, I really am.

that's all. Entertaining posts are prior to mid 2013. nothing from personal life.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Coming up on a month clean.

Going to follow NA step-work. Nothing to lose here. So, we'll see.