The steel nerved autist(Book).

Read from first post on blog in 2011 to last. That's the whole book. (each post is related to each previous)
If you want to make a donation to me, my paypal addy is: pasha52783@gmail.com

A little tale... (creative writing, yours truly)

My name is paul and I'm an addict.


Monday, April 25, 2016

Listen to me freestyle. 2 tracks on this site dont have to dl can listen there.

I'm a beast on  the mic. cpl of minor errors were due to congestion:


https://soundcloud.com/user-22573342/freestyle2


You know...in the past it didn't matter what state of mind I was in. Well, ailed. Stable, shaky. Calm, wild. Etc. I NEVER felt like a decision I made was incompetent. Or was outside my grasp of concious and such. As of the very recent, It's happening regularly. Certainly with nothing extreme, I don't let nothing foolish happen that could effect somebody else. But on a personal level, fughedboutit' . I've lost tact with reason oddly enough now in the spring season. Eh, well, it's what it is today.

later, some point, somehow, it's 12:55am am on 4/26/2016. I've had a few drinks.

 I just had a cigarette in a mans memory. This older alcoholic I knew, in his 40s he had chest pain at his job was taken to a hospital and told he required Open Heart surgery. He said I'm going to go downstairs and have a smoke. they replied, you're increasing risk of fatality. He said "I might not wake up anyhow, I think I'll have my cigarette."

Sunday, April 24, 2016

When you think about it...

How much solid entertainment in life has roots in fairly ugly parts of life.

Death into film classics. Drugs into comedy. Crime into russian shanson(music genre). Miserable romantics into  classic books.

I'll be more blunt on the topic:

From Woes of wit to sickness in shit and  drugs into debt followed by jew as a judge.

I just got home from an NA meeting. I payed attention to myself talking for the first in awhile(sober). And I've realised how simple facts I state may be viewed as self-absorbed spite possibly towards others. I mean am I in some form of a recluse's denial or just a realist. Where's the line drawn in my position. Does it make a difference at this point for reason other than creative expression? I'm runnin' a thin line here. Congestion like I've been having...with health hazards I've run across over so many years stated in earlier posts on here. It's only a matter of time till the remainder of my anger's fuel envelopes me in fire. Except once I'm set, I won't be able to get on a stage and make jokes about it. (as pryor did). On the note of humor, briefly after I got out of my first coma...this instance occured. I was up around 3 in the morning already drinking wine(DESPITE the fact I was just comatose from late onset diabetes) and I was on this program called paltalk in a chat where everyone present was russian speaking and wealthy. The primary entertainer was an end-stage alcoholic DJ in europe. Married, wife pregnant. This guy showed his AK-47 on webcam and spoutin' the funniest shit, I was amused despite hemmorhaged. Then this armenian guy made a judgy remark on his drinkin' humor. The drunken DJ replied: "Do you know what I have to tell you?" And he put on this song(pretense of insult to armenian culture, there's where the humor was), right. beginning lyrics "mother called me a romantic and the friends said i'm a junkie." I was nearly saddened. Then in the end, it goes "Our tanya's crying loud at home, she dropped her ball in the river. Soon hachik will go free and get tanya's ball for her." I fell off my couch, my wine spilled and I cried laughing. The odd taste in humor of an autist 6 on the scale. Call it a fail, I enjoyed it.

Week or two later, I was up late again. And I ran across this same drunk humoring folks again...the he  mentioned his wife's pregnant..meanwhile she was smoking cigarettes. That's when my chest tightened and I never found his humor funny again.

I must say though, When I hear the penis envying sideline commentary of the joe on the job in regards to my life. I fully understand why the display. They've not met many REAL MEN. And I'm one of them.

Away from humor to teach medical reseach folks a little.

How the remains of a savant's mind function:

I/ve noticed the sync of my focus with my memory isn't what it used to be. In the sense that I can keep fucosing on material without it processing(WHILE reading) then get to a line in a book I find touching and all of a sudden I'm awake again. On the same token, I've noticed the more complex problems my mind is capable of solving it's more likely to solve "involuntarily", like if it pops up in my head through out idle thoughts, I get an answer to it while idle faster than I used to with intent. YET, When I *think* of the same question, i'm a whole lot slower in capacity. On the same token< I bet I can still memory 16 numbers faster than atleast 9/10 people. This is all after 2 serious comas, 6-8 seizures and I lost count in overdoses...pfft god knows when. HENCE I've come TO THIS CONCLUSION:

If I can't get it together, I'm going to find my femoral vein on my thigh, attach an IV drip to it. Go to the beach near the water on the rocks with headphones on. Put on that armenian song I mentioned above and IV a speedball with enough cocaine in it to blow an elephants heart out of a virgins asshole. I shapoze not everyone finds that funny, but what can i tell you folks, "Hachik Belushi". hachik mentioned above and we all know how john belushi wen't out.





Man I always let my imagination take it's course. I read about this "Woes from wit" . I',m thinkin DAMN THIS GOTTA BE THE GREATEST RUSSIAN BOOK EVER. It must be like nietzsche with excess testosterone and doestoevsky's heart so i youtube it, i find a faggot movie....Ah, the woes of being paul geller.




Saturday, April 23, 2016

"I'm larger than life have my initials carved in your wife." - Big Pun (November 10, 1971 – February 7, 2000)

Sympathy from a woman is the simplest of pluses regardless of circumstances. From a man it's either an insult or a conflict to rationality in what's most suitable. That's why I believe in the situation of a drug addict, this is strictly per se, philosophy not related to me or anyone I know:

The drug addict is best off with a father who isn't biologically related. Because even if their relationship is spoiled on the level of friendship. It's still talk between two men, biological relation adds the possibility in sympathy interfering.

I rely on truths and facts not fucking small talk and interferncing subjective bullshit. That's why in my position in life its' hard to really have associations with people in person.

My hypergraphic/hyperlexic habit online, that's just text. this ain't relating to nobody. Sure, once in a blue a person forces themselves into my life then yeah, they can guilt trip me into doing something for them. I'm not a sociopath.

Solitude is guilt nietzsche, solitude is most dangerous, goethe. Solitude this Solitude that. Solitude is a way of life for any man who's got Self-respect whom others...do not respect.

In further spoutin' rooted from the primary and first sense in a mans body, related to the object that sense lusts towards. I will no longer refer to object as her actual name. From this point forward, it's Charlotte. The sincerest and kindest of man is deprived of a concious at a moment of pure lust. I need not inform you of all this if you're straight. It's RES IPSA LOQUITOR.(sp?)

As a man of no flaws in morality deriving from senses, primarily that first I one spoke of. I must say. Being that there is a God, life is flawless for each and every individual. Because after it all ends, the compilation of every event and moment in ones life makes perfect sense and at the least is comforting. It's the damnedest of shame that as I write this I think of a statement I read in my most recent Greg Iles novel... "There are NO atheists in foxholes."

What's left of my mind, I bet there ain't a single line in Spinoza that'd gather any sense in  me or I'd understand. (for those who can look at it comparatively on note-worthy writers in philosophy)

Now, I'm drugged or soberin' up, all you talk about is drugs. I'm sober, it's all you talk about is yourself. But as stated and added to, regardless of a mans intelligence if people's company is a detriment to his view on his over-abundant self-respect. That goes out the door. And with my intent to stay sober now and continue not smoking cigarettes. This is a difficult situation. And me using words such as 'hydrocephalus' 'xanaxed out' and 'autist' won't help people respect toward me over the course of per se sober time. I'm not taking away from my will to do it. But I'll say this, If I don't manage to stay sober and drugs sooner or soon take my life. Song written about me won't be as was about cobain "hey man nice shot". on his suicide. It'll be "hey man last shot" about my last attempt at facing life for what it is, drug free. Because I'm a man, mind you of heterosexual preference.

Good night, folks.(clock is tickin' nataliya, you must be a Cher fan.)


Friday, April 22, 2016

It just hit me!

I'm not just sayin' this due to how aristotle made claim on those who makes sz good metaphor iz genius but anyhow

I've realised how to turn a homosexual philosophy student who prefers Kant straight, let me explain.

A Cuntian Torture Camp. A desensitized vagina with surgically implanted extremely sharp pins  inside it and the gay man being forced to enter it w/o a condom on.

You tell me this ain't the blog of a genius right here and i'll tell you toothpicks and maple syrup~

I'm linking to stipe cause I'm looking sickly lately and he had the HIV rumor at one point in his life. And for the 17th time, I'm straight. Just  my circumstances and whatnot, gf ain't easy to ..go about.

DAMN ,  patricia kaas. if you tossed sinatras vocal talent on marilyn's flawless attraction...that'd be you. You were a fine piece of ass in the classiest way you can take that, coming from a man.

^night of april 22nd

Now april 23rd, today:

Man, 3 cigarettes in last 9 days. Yestrday/today, no nicotine at all and this weekend I won't even take suboxone. If I fuck this up on thursday, i'll make pryor's so called suicide attempt look like cherry girl at the 3 bears house. It's a fucking wrap.

If I do fuck it up and manage to stay intoxicated till may 27th ..then well, may 27th ....... YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWW folks. Ofcourse, I'm no junkie, just heart broken. Her mother could ...waaaaaaaaait I forgot soviet politics and ethNical backgrounds is outside my fields of proficiency/study.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Sinatra added some sort of 'sociopath sincerity' touch to song cover

Likely best male version. But this woman's voice, nailed it. vocals perfect for given lyrics..

Just an empty room...full of empty space.

"Solitude is guilt" - Friedrich Nietzsche

Once I'm done with this tea, I'll take my guilt to the beach. It's 12am, I'll likely be 'lone.

^ I'm walkin back home, guy drivin' by looks out his open window givin' me a blank stare. noticeable he wasn't no homo cause he had that touch to his look like 'i would've gladly punched ya in ur face had it....

And I read all this, what was it, 5 seconds. phew, jungian analysis did a number on me.

^ Last night

This morning:

Just got home from a 7 mile walk. 8 days w/o a cigarette. Fairly sober. Have used minimal suboxone as of late. But thursday, Imma bang dope and more than likely that'll be followed by a smoke. Cause I don't need america's facebook culture or anybody's approval. I ain't got shit to hide and nobody to impress. Maybe it's come to where I'm getting close to playing games with FIRE like richard pryor but I'm not too intimidated. Plenty of ppl know me and not A SINGLE ONE tries to come up to me and tell me to live any differently while I'm doin' what I do. I mean when I got out of rehab, late march. A guy and a lady were standin infront of SIUH waitin' to make small talk w/ me. They said "We did it, you can do it too."
Did what? what'd they do. They're fucking methadonians and they found a morning where she didn't have a drink yet and he wasn't angry, to 'advise' pasha. I'm damn flattered.


As I always say... Opinions are like assholes, everybodys got one.

Let me add to that, Just not everyone's is tight.

A traffic source of this blog's from last night: http://www.usedtit.top/

Listen here, if you're the beauty in that url's photo. SOLD. I can see in the photo it clearly ain't no teenager and I have a feeling been more dick at that than the staten island ferry's male bathroom. But junkies can't be chosers.

Then cpl of posts down I mentioned passing out listenin to Sinatra wakin up to bill withers's lean on me. ironically enough the lady who covered "if you go away", patricia kaas did a withers cover as well, 'ain't no sunshine'.

And Ms. kaas, if you run across this, I have a feeling you got money and difference between 39 and 49 to a man ain't nothin but a few drinks. So, let me know.

Previous post. In relation to idiot savantism:

i am a non autistic but developmentally delayed savant. i can do rapid date calculations between the years of 1900 and 2016. i cant carry a normal conversation but if you ask me to tell you the day of the week for a given date in my range of dates i can tell you that day of the week the date landed on in that year in seconds but when the date questions stop im silent again and in my own world of calendars

BillyStilez 
+Samuel Rs hes lying, that is why the Vince guy called him a retard. not because hes a "savant"
Paul Geller 
+Rosco The Great I wasn't born autistic either, but the impact of hydrocephalus and EEG's showing temporal lobe dysfunction is mystifying. Because my temporal lobe is the one region which functioned beyond "well", I was memorising shit at a pace and in amounts people couldn't fathom. I was 12-13, I couldve named you first 12 players on any b-ball team, their height, weight, college, averages and shooting percentages to the third decimal point. heh Aspergers is the closest diagnosis to how my mind's functioned.


Now, a mind's a terrible thing to waste. But I'm turning 33 on may 27th. And I firmly believe I have some sort of neuro-degenerative appearance despite the fact i've survived every absurdity possible and can still do better in a marathon than atleast half this country(maybe just testosterone levels) and on that note... Had I used my defective mind for it's gift despite an endorphin deficiency? Where would that land me in satisfaction or any joy in life. I might be where I am today. But I got some joy out of life over so many years of addiction. No matter how much success I could've gained, I wouldn't have no fucking joy there, let me tell ya.

I think the temporal lobe might be responsible for making ones concious 'over-active'. And let me tell you ,drugs shattered that shit. Way before they damaged the memory significantly but that's more related to health hazards. And that helped simplify some moments of joy.

Now to say I'm romanticisin addiction? NOT AT ALL. Nothing romantic when you're in brooklyn late 20s at a young ladies house who's full time in college on the verge of success and she's willing to fuck you. but you're sitting there thinkin' when your philanthropic donation in time to her passes so you can go get some smack, deficiencing(is that a word?) the romance. I'm not romanticising, maybe some throwin a humor touch to it. I mean all the years I had NYPD seniority as neighbor and every time he'd say hello and god bless the man he always did no matter what i presented of myself that day, I'd reply a hello in the best "Rain man" voice I could do that day in the shape of mind I was in. Ain't no romanticising there, Just simple men from diff cultures with a slight difference in the 'vast-arrays of life styles in staten island new york".

All this is uncensored, my router network name is my website url. But this, just me stating truths of my life. This ain't nothin to really "discuss" with nobody. Small talk is bad enough. This'd be ugly small talk.

I rip my prick thru ya...wait that's yestrdays news.

I'm going to have this coffee and go listen to the sideline commentary in court. It's located on 69 allofstatenisland rd. When cops picked me up on the "incoherently causing traffic" charge. At first I thought, sweet I've got cars getting trafficky just to watch me cross the street. Then I realised I looked 'incoherent' as I crossed on a red light. But like pryor said bout' being heart broken. He wouldn't have seen a 747 comin. (it was NOT cause i was xanaxed the fuck out and didn't process consequences of crossin on a red light, rather I was heart broken.)

...much less a few hondas and jeeps.

Also, I'm no paranoid schizo, I'm like a 6 on the autism scale. So with that said, Let me aware you folks my theory on the pretense of my awkward ways. When I had appendicitis as a kid, they implanted a device in my body which regulates hormonal function. Then some guy with the switch for that  shit followed me around getting me all fucking quirky over nothin'.

And when that guy controllin my hormones blew my testosterone up, I had an erection lasting longer than 4 hours while in a coma. And with those kind of levels, you could go through a full blown stroke/heart failure at the same time and still make a full recovery.

aortic stenosis aorta stenosis, whatever the fuck it is. hasn't caused no problems yet. no palputations or nothin'. cause i'm in the shape of hercules.

kerouac kevorkian tyson, sinatra and pryor. men I respect. But I've come across a man who isn't of any fame I respect  I won't reference with a specific name. Being that I don't know him and even mentioning a msgboard pseudonym might be considered wrong. After all, I login to healthboards.com and I see it says 'account suspended for inappropriate post. you can file an appeal @ thisaddy' inappropriate post?! Out of the etiquettish gestures of my heart, I've never once used that msgboard while high on drugs. So, I know couldn't have been no 'inappropriate post'. But back to this man I respect. 6 years ago I had problems that I needed advice that could be provided on those msgboards and I randomly read a board in no way related to me. And I saw this guy answering every other post/question sensibly and from an educated perspective. MS msgboard. I'm sure he isn't a neurologist. But according to himr, she's had MS since like early 80's/. I logged in to that site this year, and he's STILL going. At the same pace providing answers. But to solidify those answers, he mentioned the issues he's had to deal with along the years of MS. I can't really come at it from an angle like that. Because a man make a sympathetic remark towards me, he gotta be either looking to put $50 in my pocket for a high or to get shot in the face. And since I doubt guys on a healthboard will provide me drug money and I don't own a gun. I'll refrain.

I'm on staten island ferry, I see jason statham on my side. Ferrys about to dock. I heard some of his small talk with his pal. So I said listen jason, I don't want money from you or drugs. But a cigarette would be nice. I smoke marlboro lights. I walk 12 blocks or so from the ferry to get on the SI railroad for free, this is in the ghetto filth. I see young WHITE guy across the street in an expensive suit, smoking. I looked over and asked for a cigarette. He hands me one, marlboro light. If that's a coincedence I know god is on my side. but pfft, unlikely. Then one day I'm standing by my grocery and this broad drives up and she heard me ask some guy for a cigarette cause i forgot mine at home and couldn't go back before my 'business associate' stopped by to see me. She goes, "Want me to buy you a pack?" I was ...startled. We walked in the grocery, I said marlboro lights. She payed, walked out, not another word. I like that, autistic people aren't good in small talk. Now imagine she saw video of me naked, she would've bought me a carton.



Wednesday, April 20, 2016

So I went to doc appointment...

I'm walkin' down new dorp ln and I could've sworn young "lady" sittin in a chair by a store is one i've seen joggin by beach a few times. Then she said somethin' on phone where I was 100 and 10 % sure it was halfwitted quirky remark about me. in a offensively humorous nature.

Anyhow, I'll say this, the one doc I'd never lie to in order to attain prescriptions for purposes other than 'medicinal' is my physician. I keep it jewish with her and let her deal with my health as well as she could. I tell her bluntly honest how I abuse drugs where, why, etcetera and how careful I am with my health despite all that.

NOW again, that's not saying I've ever conned any other doc out of a prescription, let's not forget i have neuropathy, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue amongst a dozen other problems. Everything shy of panic attacks cause I know 'treatment' for dose could land me in a even earlier grave than I figured so far.

I'll say tho, I respect any broad who can use the words 'portfolio' 'crackhead' and 'retard' in one sentence all in a serious tone.

they say the diff between paranoid and paranoid schizophrenic is that the later don't see it that they're being paranoid. they firmly believe it. So I'm not sure if she's just pure vicious or sexually frustrated. And if she herself can tell the difference. There's gotta be a diagnostic criteria for that shit.

How i mentioned earlier when a russian broad puts me down...with an american woman she can verbalise the gruntiest of disgust with me and I'll still think I got a shot at  sleepin with her. A russian chick she could be licking her lips with her legs crossed body shiverin toes shaking flippin magazine pages and 6th sense still tells me she's thinkin "Oh, he couldn't pay me enough."

I've always said only 2 types of junkies amongst men. sick guys and homos. homos use that shit to suppress sexual lust. Now picture this right, a HETERO man who uses that shit to suppress the same issue...I can't man bitches want to put me down so bad they ain't even loookin attractive no more outside of a porno flick. Maybe I'll find me a pretty boy who'll toss some mascara on a blonde wig and tuck that shit real good so after a few drinks i don't know what hole i'm shovin my dick in. But on a SERIOUS note... ladies, if you're available, there's no need for foul mouthing. you're causing me emotional hurt. and i'm no sociopath.

Sure nastya I only call you in between drug runs when I'm at the ER not a dollar in my pocket crying to some wacko psych doc then he leave, i'm callin you to say 'and then i go and spoil it all by sayin' somethin stupid like i love you' but that's nut cause i'm a self-absorbed dopefiend who lacks ANY and ALL desire to do ANYthing else. It's because youbroke my heart.

And on that note let me explain to you opiophile msgboard MORONS as to why suboxone don't get you high any. It's because 8mg fills up your receptors like bout' a dozen overdoses. Do you feel high when you OD? Ofcourse not, you're out cold. It's the same shit while you're concious when you take average dose of suboxone. You take a 2mg strip cut that shit into 6 pieces and if you still manage to get it to absorb 100%, I'll bet you you'll feel pretty fucking good. Not any insane euphoria that's due to it's still synthetic. not from papi. i mean poppy, rather.

On top of which, a bitch express blunt spite towards a man who doesn't see how could she know anythin about him. chances are she's run across feelings for him she ain't comfortable with. but as I stated in a earlier post, you fuck a bitch whos noddin out, your dick will curl inwards into your balls and your balls will say "Hey, what you doing in here? You wen't inside her, we just fooled you to."

"I rip my prick thru ya hooters im sick u couldnt measure my dick with 6 rulers. "

^don't believe it? scroll down to first post you see on this blog with a video of me.

Judy, if you run across this. EXCEPT YOU. That's one thing that could cause me the kind of shame richard pryor mustve felt when he claimed he was trying to commit suicide when he set himself on fire smokin freebase. (w/ liquor)

I don't smoke rocks. so how'll that turn out out for me? I'll  be drunk preparin a shot of dope, and liquor will spill into the syringe.

now THAT is a philosophical question. What's more painful/discomforting. setting yourself on fire or mainlining 80 proof  " ? "

The mood lift of young pryor.

THANK YOU RICHARD, whereever you are, likely in heaven. You helped me sleep last night. Well, not at first. Because everytime I managed to close my eyes again I'd hear in my head "You at a fund raiser with muhammad ali now imagine this nigga have one of them joe frazier flashbacks? Uppercut! That's brain damage for life." I had to sit up turn my light on and recompose myself.

I'll tell you though, I might've mentioned it 50 times already on the blog but fuck it. Ain't shit funny when you finish your first semester in college just to impress some broads mother, end of semester you so cracked out in brooklyn you leave ya book somewhere, forget,, call the broad who's mother u were trying to impress and say "Sweetheart, I got finals tomorrow and lost my book cause I was mainlining cocaine". So next morning, everybody in the class room socialising and studying and shit. I'm xanaxed out staring blindly at the professor. Then next week he's handing out the test and after he's done giving everyone theirs, he says "Will the amicable paul geller please come up?"And you realise despite the fact you lost the class book mainlining blow in brooklyn, You still >aced the test<. Next year round the same time, you got a guilt trip and decide "Well, I'm going to kick an 80mg methadone habit cold turkey and become a professor." Because, realistically, not all fields in being a professor what you're teaching ties into doing it physically somehow. And I was memorising 200\pages with ease while nodding off on a book instantly. 36 days later, woke up in the ICU , told "You've survived a 50-60% mortality brain hemmorhage and congrats, you're now a diabetic."

And this broads mother I was tryin to impress. One time through out the first time I was around her, her sister told me "Why don't ya wipe that half-wit smile off your face." Next day she goess "she's tired of you, you don't want to fuck her" Bitch, "want" is not enough when you're a savant bordering 'autism'.. And on that note, I remember once I was arrested for posession one of the first few arrests, and the guy I was arrested with, he said in the cop car "Well, this chick I fucked when she was in 8th grade, I Took her virginity!" Meanwhile he mustve been mid 20's and said it with such pride. And you'd think police be bewildered. But they just about expressed 'respect'.

////////
I can't toss a funny spin on the incident in prior to last paragraph. and this was nearly 11 years ago. How am I still alive? Well, countless overdoses and 2 comas don't add up to a single incident of "lighting yourself on fire freebasing cocaine cause u spilled 151 rum on you." Happened to richard pryor. I guess he thought ain't nothin funny here either, after 2nd and 3rd degree burns. So he said, "I was trying to commit suicide." Well, despite all the self-disgust and being judged after all that's happened, NOPE, I was never trying to kill myself. But, you get off on the 'belushi killer' and smoke cigarettes 17 years, with 10 of them a type 1 diabetic. Shit can happen. but as I said, a week now w/o smoking. I quit. Pryor survived a heart attack cause of smoking heavy and lived another 25 some odd years after.. so I think I can managed at this point. Dick still gets hard, testosterone levels through the roof, in my medically educated opinion, I can live with everything else.

14 seconds of pryor-worth comedy by yours truly

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Teruth bout' my life. I


I sit here high and alone with nobody to need me ;)

Nu shto, Hahlushka. (solid humor)

I'm so be-fuckin-side myself. It's hard to even laugh at. Pops blackmails my mother to keep me living here AT ALL costs. And I still can't understand for the life of me if he's afraid of something i might do if i move out and stay sober or it's really based on some financial principle in between them as husband and wife who've had a relationship much of turmoil to say the least... Then everytime close to end of month he does everything possible to make sure I use drugs and on that note, I can see why he'd do that. To allow sufficient room for blackmail to continue aggressively. It's really a joke. And it looks like my brother isn't just sayin it for the sake of saying it, he's really fucking clueless as to what's goin on between them and how I'm involved. I still have to deal with him like a child. And I do a pretty good job at that, considering my drug-binge fueled life style.

People's commentary when I walk by some...people who don't know me from a hole in the wall. I don't mind much. Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one :)

My mother will be inclined to shit on me till the day I die. On which day, she'll be pretty miserable. Cause I'm the only real man in her ingrate life.

As far as ppl who amuse me online, one of whom I met...well, maybe he figured I'd give him and mike my attention, maybe amuse them. But my attention AINT FREE. Period. I've no friends and they're nobodies to me. And the fairly young lady, I realised she looks alot like a young streisand, I'd pay for a video of her singing specific song of streisand's, money I'd/ll otherwise blow on a "high".

Now as far as pussy for the sake of pussy. What a decent hotel room and an average lookin broad wouild cost me. I could stay face-fucked on drugs for a week for that price. And really, It's more comfortable supressing that kinda desire. Cause despite the fact I'm turning 33 may 27th, It's a safe bet my testosterone levels would still blow 3 men at any age outta the water COMBINED.

Not to turn masturbation into pryor comedy. But when you're a teenager and you do it, after you're done you looking at the lady you were watchin' and you're fairly proud as to what you're attracted to. Then you get older and you get done jerking off and you take a look at the lady you were watching...sometimes nauseating. Requires intoxication to live with yourself. I told doc I wan't a testosterone supressant she said no way, you'll end up with grey hair.... Well shit, I won't live to see the age of grey hair, that's a 100% fact. So what's the big deal if I get it "relatively" young.

Comedy on being a junkie...it's sheer irony in doin' that shit. Because when you think you'll sober up one day, you'll go through $200 in one day can''t get your head out your legs wake up next eday sick wondering what'd you do. But when you know this life style will follow you to your grave, the partyin' ends. Start cuttin' pills and  suboxone strips in half.

I bet in the history of time, not a single drug addict has lived through what I've lived through and ...remained alive. I mean 2 dozen b/c misdemeanors and only 2 weeks in jail and only cause i couldn'r pay a dollar bail. Then last time I od'd woke up in thhe hospital they come up to me and say "So paul, how could we help you?" replied "Well, if you got 50 bucks so i can go get the next one, i'd appreciate it." And with all that said, nobody really shoves it in my face aside russian women in medical profession. Russian men just figure lost causer, fuck him and edon't comment. But a russian bitch always wants to put me down so bad I wan't to get high just to cry.

With that being said, I know my testosterone levels are still up there cause I can convince myself out of nowhere. "That's it, no more drugs, no more legal habits, etcetera." I was in rehab and the only reason I managed to finish is because a young pretty boy nurse let me get a "med" few hours earlier than I was supposed to. How'd it happen. One day I woke up and said Imma stop taking suboxone, end of story. I repeatedly told people "Spare me the small talk." 3 days without any suboxone after a habit of 4mg 3x a day. 4th day I didn't sleep the whole night, 4:15 am I  come up to pretty boy I says "Listen, you either let me get this shit few hours early or I "have to" leave." and guess what? He let it slide! I DO NOT know why. But homos always favor me. Always.

This is the one thing I still hate about drug use. There was this young kid in there with me, and I swore up and down I won't take it again anymore. And after I caved 3 days later and took it. And when he saw me take it, he quoted me verbatim in regards to me saying I won't. And I didn't feel one bit bad about it, or guilty cause I fucked up on inspiring him or any sort of negative.

Back to a little more comic, memory aint exactly photographic anymore after 2 comas but lately I've been goin to the beach daily at a diff time every day. And I could've sworn I see the same young broad joggin EVERY SINGLE time. How? Coincedence? Hard to picture after cpl of weeks consecutive. I think one of my neighbors calls her and says "Hey sweetheart, feelin down on yourself today, Why don't you go for a jog and look at paul. you'll feel better about yourself right away."

Then me makin' some sort of fucking dark humor at an NA meeting. if the joke needs a lil more than a sub-par IQ to find funny you know ain't no straight man drivin' you home. It's either going to be some pretty gal who'd never fuck u and considers it philanthropy or a homo who thinks to himself "Damn, if he finds that shit funny, he must be all about cock. and I'm the pretty boy so he wouldn't have to be too proud fucking me in the ass." Ok, maybe I went overboard on that one. Well once I mentioned kicking methadone first time cold turkey wakin up icu 36 days later told im diabetic now. guy says to his gf loud enough for me to hear someshit like "You heard that? That'll be you in a month." And I honestly felt good after he said that. Maybe he scared the poor lady straight so she don't end up sellin her ass for a fix in a year.

Now in regards to women who are drug addicts. i'll say this, if i ever had the outskirts of a vagina "nod off" on my dick, that'd be the end of my elevated testosterone.

So bitches are a lost cause now i'm near 33 in my position a lady that'll have sex with me...i don't know, intimidating. so my last relationship of intimacy was due to being hyperlexic. and it was with healthboards.com and what really ruined me gettin close to an orgasm is them snobby older white bitches who post on 15 different bboards like they've got all those health hazards and theyve always got the most intelligent advice. Then one states "I've had a heart attack. Feels like an elephant stepping on your chest." And on that note. I've quit smoking. If I ever use cocaine again, prior to doing so, i'm going to make myself a bracelet to wear that says "DNR". Cause i don't think i can get into goin to have an elephant step on my chest just to feel 800 volts on every nerve ending in my body following. and i'm fairly masochistic.

"I ain't got no money, I ain't got no teef and I definately ain't got no drivers licesence" - Richard Pryor on "Leon Spinx" his skit on spinx goin in the ring with muhammad ali. solid comedy gold.