different topics, ideas, for different age ranges and folks.

Interesting news, poetry, troubles of the everyday man.
[ Consequences of the "inability to feel shame." ]

how I almost died! (click to view)

Sunday, August 17, 2014

For Victoria Manuvakhov. (Probably not current last name, likely accepted mothers.)

R.i.p. alec/alik despite habit/s you've caused me.

Quotational fact.

"If a man can deal with consequences, and tolerate pain. Even with both present if his testosterone levels are high. He'll still feel good regardless of the cons/pain. In my case the former being (central bookin'/drug withdrawal" - Paul Geller

The high testosterone levels in me, I've hit 30. That's done with. I need to take it easy man.

From a man who's experienced every high there is, from shrooms to LSD to heroin cut with cocaine and mainlined. I'll tell you, as a man, no high a man can EVER experience than Elevated Testosterone Levels.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Wrong on one more post. This had me sickened more than new 5 series bmw with disability plates (Roughly 26yr old female driver)

I don't know why, but I felt compelled today to read a bit about dialysis...today. I couldn't read too much though. My stomach began to feel strangely full, I felt dry mouthed as if my blood sugar was 900 and now I sit here typing, another placebo effect caused by briefly reading about dialysis, minor back pain.

I guess the reality of what all that could mean, I don't know. What's odd is, I didn't think about it much. My mind quickly turned away to anger. I'm getting off methadone, atm. Down to 40mg from an initial 80. I regularly come to the methadone place as early as I can take it, 8 am. First online, EVERY DAY, WITHOUT ACCEPTION is this fat homo who's life was brought to methadone because the fact that the cellulite on his ass had gotten so bad, his viagra-full lover's shaft, couldn't get far past it. Seriously, guy's pretty healthy. But a slob, he smokes on top of that. Healthy without a doubt is a fairly accurate presumption. This this cellu-slob smoker. If my life ever comes to where diabetes has damaged my kidneys enough, I'll come to that same methadone program just to find him and if I see he's still well enough for considerable damage done by me to not outweigh the consequences of his lifestyle. I'll add my own consequences to his life.

The feeling I got when I read a mother donated a kidney to her son who was BORN with 10% kidney function...man. I've not felt this kind of guilt in a long time. I'm shitty person(understatement), I deserve worse than what that slob, I spoke of, does. And that said, being I know neither the mother or the son.. It's the fact that I have juvenile diabetes and smoke, knowing full well where it'll all lead...

What allows me to live the way I do, and act how I act, etc, SHAMELESSLY. Is that I firmly believe both of my parents, are sociopaths. As well as my brother. I know I'm not one.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Oh, I apologise, one more post before I'm done blogging. (read the one prior though, Please)

An "Ambulance Chaser" by definition:

Someone who willing allows to be damaged/hurt in some way in hopes of winning a malpractice, or something along the lines of.


Other notable Высоцкий (Vysotsky) songs along with the hilarious video below.

Что же ты, зараза... (Why you, whore.")

Антисемит (Antisemite)

У меня запой от одиночества.. (I'm binge drinking from lonelyness.)

Quote from the anti-semite song "They need crumbs, they're in the zoo. These assholes even abused the elephant in the zoo."

Сегодня ж, касатка, тебя удавлю для порядка!

Last post I'll be making on this blog. What I saw today had me fucking sickened to my stomach.


Once again, the artist Vladimir Vysotsky who had as much influence on russian culture as Bob Dylan and John Lennon combined on American.

In this song, he starts off singing "I didn't hit women till I was 17. 17 was the first time. Since then I've lost all self control..." Need I go on with translation? I'm sure you get where this is going. It's mainly humorous though.

The reason I've posted this is walking home today from the train, I decided it is my duty as an "Ambulance Chaser" to cross on a red light. When I see this YOUNG BROAD, who looked PRETTY FUCKING HEALTHY TO ME. GET THE FUCKING NERVE ON HER? DRIVING BRAND NEW BMW 5 SERIES WITH....DISABILITY PLATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This song is for you. You maggotress of a great blowjob. (Must be if you earned then money yourself for the BMW, cause a disabled woman sure as fuck didn't work to buy a new 5 series BEAMER) otherwise I pray a newer BMW nails your father while he's crossing the street by a RICHER drunk party animal who ALSO has disability plates. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

no joke bro/sis/lgbt

I'm 31 juvenile diabetic livin at parents ... HUGE mortgage so my presence practically needed, donationz welcome.

I do some hot pic business in exchange if substantial amount.

Hypothetical, Hypothetical. Xcept first line. Bye

Humor aside, aging pacino SERIOUSLY resembles older kevorkian.


Thursday, August 7, 2014

Further quotes of his...

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see."

  - Arthur Shopenhauer

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

It's 2:37am.. (PIZDETS!)

I was reading healthboards.com. Which I do compulsively. Someone who's survived a heart attack, says that a myocardial infarction feels like "an elephant stepping on your chest". Few days later, my mother spoke of a man in russia who's survived FIVE. Well, I think an elephant is one of the more pleasant things you can have nightmares about.

Where as before I had a problem with insomnia, now I can't even be insomniac by choice. Why would I like to be one? Well, so I can be a closet case smoker. After a month cigarette free, I had one, just now.

Why would someone prefer to be a "closet case smoker", well I have type 1 diabetes and IMHO, disgust leaning towards hatred beats "a variety in unsaid" leaning towards sympathy.

"I believe that compassion is the basis of moral values." -Arthur Shopenhauer

Now it's 2:46. Well, it's been said!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

R.i.p phil hoffman

For me it's now or never. I'm getting off methadone yet again because I've accepted the fact that I can't do "methadone alone", get a week's worth of take home bottles and stay clean. so for the 4th and last time, I'm going to get off and try to stay clean. Simply because I will NOT walk through mmtp doors ever again after I get off. If I fuck up again, that'll be it. I accept the ultimate consequence which will come in only a matter of time.

I ran across the first psychiatrist I met in staten island. The first doctor, back in end of 2004 fall semester. I overdosed twice in two weeks. He put me in inpatient psych. This recent coming across, he said "paul man, you're aging faster than me, it's time to get "in the zone" " 

I quote.

He's right, If I can't take a enjoyable walk by the beach I won't live suffering with something like hemodialysis. I'll do what's to be done in peace.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Legal aid(sociopath) got nerve.

I'm in the hospital after something pretty serious NOT drug related happens. A staff member brings heroin to other staff, $100 worth, they call cops. I got handcuffed to the bed, assigned a court date. We go from they can't do anything since it's drugs IN A HOSPITAL, so I figure we all go home happy. Insteaad, we go from outpatient doesn't accept you to the inevitable, rehab; possibly long term.he I get assigned a further court date since he doesn't accept. Delaying the inevitable. I don't know if these drops help advance his legal career or he's just lazy or... If 28 day gets denied changed to long term, I'm changing plea, stating fact. Staff member, lower-tier brings drugs to other staff claiming it's mine, it ends in this. I've accepted every consequence in prior drug-related arrests and have had no legal problems. Now it's his word against mine and they won't even get him to come in.

We'll see.