different topics, ideas, for different age ranges and folks.

My name is paul and I'm an addict.
Consequences of the "inability to feel shame." ]

how I almost died! (click to view)

My name is paul and I'm an addict.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

My life may be in danger. I'f not not well before the 1st, PLEASE READ.

A few months back I heard my mother in a conversation referring to a pretty bad medical incident I had in 2013. Her statement was that we tried to get his disability taken away to be deposited to me but we were told it’s impossible if he is coherent(etc). Then while later, when I had become interested in obtaining records from this incident my father hinted at that it wouldn’t be too smart on my part to do so. My mother claimed at first, doctors thought it was bad enough to leave me in a or close to vegetative-state. Then recently, I saw bank records on the table stating my mother missed 2 mortgage payments. Clearly, this was done intentionally. Logically conclusive, the money was used for purposes of greater ultimate benefit. She’s spent alot of time praying as of late. And not too long ago I had a seizure so I was hospitalized for a few days, during the whole stay I felt perfectly well. I noticed that when I had gotten home and started consuming what my mother serves, I started feeling physically-toxic, unwell, I suppose you could say. 1st of may I’ll be moving out, if they do something violent to me prior to this date, I hope this is read and it’s all looked into.

Ultimately, nothing was done right after the incident I spoke to due to likely fear on their part. Now I've been sober for awhile and they can see have no intention to go back a drug-use life style. So they might be in a hurry to kill me. Yes, kill. they might have gotten involved in something that's of financial benefit to them related to this, so far involved that they can't really step back.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Coming up on a month clean.

Going to follow NA step-work. Nothing to lose here. So, we'll see.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

So, my recovery thus far, spirituality in it...I have this to say (elevated-testosterone levels inclined)

A god of our understanding can restore us to sanity. Well, If my father is jewish and mother is christian what's that make me? A humble catholic who's open to ideas in donating his anatomy and physiology for DuMMiEz book to a beautiful woman who i may have ran across this morning at an NA meeting who may have a cpl of years on me thus having a little to gain there... Evidently, she's well off. So can provide "reasonable circumstance" for a situation where we can exchange experience strentgh and hope mayhaps starting off a new NA meeting where we'll be the only attendees but...if given she's um, "well off" and may POSSIBLY not be "open to this idea of exchanging experience strentgh and hope" ... this would mean best case scenario I will be banned from NA as a whole in my neighborhood, worst case, my body will be found in a dumpster. So if a recovering addict reads this(hopefully this beautiful woman who's only a couple of years older than me, no really, a couple of years.) and can advise me on how to go about this, I've no quips about where my life is or who I am, princess. if you have...or are....or are willing or something or other which can let us just exchange experience strentgh and hope as addicts.

To clarify the circumstance which brought upon this romance short story post, NA meeting sunday morning.

Well, since noone resents me enough to take advantage of..

the posts i've made here claiming possible suicide/absurdities which would provide reasoning for my death if someone wanted to safely kill me weren't taken advantage of.

My name is paul and I'm an addict. I have 12 days clean.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015




Other day I ran across a guy I couldve sworn I went to H.S with. I believe named Anthony. (90% sure)

Monday, March 30, 2015

I got married to my mother's hometown girl...

and we couldve lived happily ever after and had kids.....and we're still married although apart 11 years and 2 comas later I'm a juvenile diabetic recovering drug addict , and I'm jackin off and I know why, WHY1!!! WHY PAUL!?!? WHY?!?!? Because.... This song explains it:

Afroman - Because i got high

Saturday, March 21, 2015

I wrote an email to The Samaritans. (organization helps suicidal people)

subject of email was "I've decided that as slowly and sufferingly which means allow, I'm going to end my life."

This is what's inside:

Primary due to the fact that despite absurd circumstances at any given time in my youth, there was always someone there who was willing to love me. Each had their own approach, be it romantic or not. And I simply exploited their feelings for me for whatever was most suitable that day, overall. Inclusive is fact, I am not a sociopath. The irony that lies in the ladies I was close to at some point, it's that my appeal (case-specific charisma) rooted directly from my pain. Well, now I have maybe 3 people in my life whom I can talk to. And in none of them, would any good come out of it. In the back of my head, I've done the math on any relationship which is attainable to me at this point, let's just say what it offers in benefit would solely prolonging existance. Only people I'm still close to at this point, are original family. Mother/father/brother. me and my father never had an actual relationship, his part in it was due to him being a good man, my part in it was passively respectful. My mother, I think on  a level which she hadn't even processed at that point. She had her hometown girl come to new york, her father being a upper-tier businessman in russia. I was explained like this "She will pay you money for marriage so that can she gain USA citizenship. My mother, her self-destructive pride due to traumaticc youthful experiences. She couldn't look me in the eyes and tell me that she would like me to have a relationship with this young lady. She wouldn't even bring it up in conversation. But she did over-sell the tactful story that this is 100% business and noone sees it as anything else or wants anything else. My moother would make a solid poker player.  Not once was I able to read into her words and see that she has emotions invested in the possibility of me and this girl being together. Oddly enough, I see no other way as to how this girl was willing to give me a real chance in a relationship...other than My mother charismatically inclined her.  I am 100% sure that the chance this young lady was going to give me, had nothing to do with business of any sort of finances. And I'm also 100% she didn't just come to america and fall head over heels in love with a drug addict. Because in russia, a drug addict isnt a person with a problem, its a coward. a faggot in every connotation the word can have. Or maybe it wasnt charisma of any sort, maybe due to substantial age difference and same background location in russia, my mother emotionally trusted her and was open with her. And mayhaps the chance this young lady was going to give me. It wouldn't be me. It'd be an attachment to a romantic friendship she looked towards with my mother. And being the son's saviour was a definate way of being her closest ally. Now, to my brother. I don't really know. I'd bend over backwards for him and he knows it. But the damage done is irreperaible/irreversible. I think my brother is gay, so I can't read into his behavior in our relationship. Influenced by a 4 year philosophy degree from a new york CUNY. My life was over in every sense possible aside from physical existance in september 2005. I woke up in the local hospital ICU, told ive survived a sub-arachnoid hemmorhage and am now a juvenile diabetic. So now, it's down to carefully and passive highly self-destructive behavior  that a person with my health won't live too long partaking in. I suppose that's due a small hope is still inside me that during some part of this prolonged suicide path. I run across someone...or something, that changes me, inside.

но в одну из ночей глухая залетел и с того началась моя драма

Monday, March 9, 2015

Wil...I mean, Exercise routine fulfilled. (i'm an add.... eek)

Amazing, how moments years apart can coincide to the split second of fucking narrative, to the exact line of thoughts and bitter rage yearning through out your stomach as newly found mild chest discomforts soothingly relax the ambiguity of the moment to where you, you accept, Sobriety on mind, in hand, nicotine patch applied. I sat here watching Tom Hanks clip of Wilson lost, I looked to my right and it's where the split second of every single parr aside from locatin coincided.

Right, I mean, I'm doing me some good. Not short glances turning my neck watching wilson float. Damn teenagers running laps, I couldn't run more than 5-7 blocks without shortness of breath. Nicotine patch it is. I'm done. Despite bangin' dope and coke a week ago. Sincere efforts are about this season!

Then as the evening came and I had finished the joy in my mothers potatoes with little mushrooms in them with some kotleti on the side(meat made in a burger like way just alot smaller.) I went out to mail an envelope, mailbox having been by a church, I didn't notice it so I walked by.Turning back and looking I saw a man walking inside the church. I ran at the top of my feet after him. Opening church doors, he had just walked in. I asked him about location of mailbox when that was settled, well. I Said "Sir, what are you doing here?" He replied I'm here for bible study. Him being late for it, I decided on next monday. I have found my first group of sobriety network friends, bible study with my italian buddies. She had jesus without having one too many drinks at the local bar one night 9 months ago prior. Had jesus, a virgin. I will attend this bible study next monday. Oddly enough earlier today I couldn't decide on a sober activity so I read another short story from tales of two cities best and worst of new york. About a little boy who's mother let him go to church alone, $10 for cab $10 for church. He spent 5, skipped church, blew $15 playing arcades. Anyhow, it's settled. I'm writing this heavily enticed by a manic episode. Take care, folks. Yep Wilson, that's how it is these days.

<@MrMiz0ry> december 15th 2003

^ He said he lost "that loving feeling" on that day. Wouldn't tell me what happened, so this is a reminder to myself.


^ you din't find that funny? Grow the fuck up and grow a pair.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Podal mne nachalnik list, raspisalsa kak emeyu...napisal RETSIDIVIST PA FAMILIYE.... Salnikov.

Известна история произошедшая с одним из "отцов" советской психиатрии М.О.Гуревичем. На лекции о болезни Альцгеймера демонстрировалась больная этим тяжелым заболеванием. Она не могла назвать ни своего имени, ни числа, ни времени года, но на вопрос, кто ее привез в больницу, с неожиданно осознанной злобностью ответила: "Жиды". Профессор повернулся к аудитории и заметил: "Вот видите, как мало нужно ума, чтобы быть антисемитом".

"Privilege is exponential, just like chess: you may think you understand it, but the person above you---or below you, I guess---understands more about it than you ever will and there is always someone who understands that much more about it than him. My friend and I used to make fun of our neighbor, a section 8 former military chief who didn't understand song lyrics, who only ate canned tuna and crackers, and who frequently tried to sell us shirts, socks, and children's in exchange for crack money. The same neighbor used to make fun of the women he knew who prostituted themselves for crack, deadbeats on the train and us---or anyone who thought that they understood the ridicolous elements of his own life better than he did. My boss made fun of me sometimes since I had gotten my degree from a state school and everything."

- "Quid Pro Quo, Just as easy as that" By Jeanne Thornton

Елена Ваенга Мы попали с тобой под дождь (Elena Vaenga - We got caught under the rain) 

The queen of russian shanson.