The steel nerved autist(Book).

Read from first post on blog in 2011 to last. That's the whole book. (each post is related to each previous)">here

^ genius.
A little tale... (creative writing, yours truly)

My name is paul and I'm an addict.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

humor darkened by Mensa.

Walking by 2 young ladies at the beach, I heard one of them say "I love him, I really do." I quickly assumed she's talking about me and told her this. "Well, if you love me lets go to the beach when noone's around, like at 3am and you spread your legs." She replied "Well that eliminates my chance for true love and besides Nietzsche said to a woman a man is a means to end the end is always a child and I don't think I wan't a kid who looks like you. Even if I don't seek love or think nihilistically, you're just an asshole." I felt palpitations, whimpered and walked off deeply sighing.


I used to be a bottom feeder, now I feed the bottom. I'm a philanthropist. NAMEEN.

How the fuck can I go to NA regularly when I'm being made sick on and off by some wealthy character/s enforcing my family to do so.

No need to bully me cause i'm 5'10 and weigh a buck. :>


Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Sybil's spite?

What I'm innocent of and that what I'm not. But my highly valued and saintly sentiments are definately rooted in innocent ideas. And they might get me killed. If it's quick it's alright but otherwise I just hope my sentiments cover the pain. No I won't end my own life. But on both key notes, what if the sentiments are selfish on my part? What if at the top of the food chain and in control man deciding circumstances and such of my death, his/her decision is also rooted from what or she can define as 'innocent' sentiments and rationalize ending with murdering me. sigh...

Hey Eris free MrM, thank you for the HDMI cable and I apologise if anything in my thanking you, you interpreted as offensive.

So i'm sitting in this mental health sorta office and I notice infront of me sit....these 2 folk, a young black man and a young white gal and notice RIGHT AWAY in their bbehaviors they're autistic. and despite autism and different racial backgrounds. They were cuddling intimately.

You know how they got 'freudian slip'. I've come up with a new one FOR FREUD. yeah, sigmund tough guy, for you. A "freudian skip", when you skip/miss a word in a sentence you're speaking/typing/saying. Because the skip equates to nothing. and you're trying to say nothing at all. :-) (( I have almost all my bottom teeth missing , please don't be offended in my emoting a smile ))


And last on this post I MUST INFORM:

I'm being dosed with phenobarbital. It's a barbiturate, the old school benzodiazepine. It can produce/allow hypnosis that's how I'd imagine is given to me w/o me knowing and money taken from me as well w/o me knowing. I'm skurred that after dosing me for a prolonged period of time. He/they will stop and allow withdrawal which will be, best case scenario fatal.

Monday, June 20, 2016

So point ya

I been doin' pointin all my life.
I don't think you wan't to switch places..

^ Thats comical wit on tony. And I ain't even talkin tony the tiger, I got into discussin' that tony while sittin in the shop rite parking lot talkin to myself. Yeh, I get into it heavy with philosophy man. Fughedboutit'

So what am I said afraid of?
Afraid of this love, this love that there's no cure for.


Since I started on suboxone, I've relapsed on it a 2nd time. (as in, the suboxone itself. not another drug)

First time I tried stopping suboxone relapsed after 4 days, the story I mentioned here in the book. This second time, I was w/o it for 3 days ..I had thrown it out. It was taken out the garbage and shoved infront of my eyes. I was starving. Couldn't say no to a slice of bread. NOW IVE GOT 7 STRIPS LEFT, MAYBE 8. 2 WEEKS TILL I CAN GET MORE which means ill run out soon. ive went back to smoking cigarettes last 3 days if i dont die as a result of it, i'll quit smoking again 110% once im out of suboxone. it's very fucking uncomfortable smoking w/o narcotic in me at this point.

I know I'm covering my own murder's tracks, I want to be philanthropic towards everyone at the end of it all. Even those willing to slaughter me

^ earlier

Now, it's 6:13 pm. Me and seeing a psychologist. hour appointments every so often wouldn't cut it. Especially when they'd consist solely of generic questions and depressingly generic replies resulting from. I'd expect a level of expression and wit within it that's outside the boundaries of everyday intellect. And I'm not intelligent. I'm practically retarded. Heh.

This star trek actor died at 27, he portrayed a pavel chekov. I was born on may 27th as this blog has shown greatly favor anton chekhov and my last name is pavel. I was never a star trek fan.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Yo-sef, lebron came back with 3 consecutive.

Last time dealers wife came with him to say "paul, everythin thats already happened to you , you outa slow down". I says I been in 2 comas, 3rd ones a charm :-)


Time to go get some dunkin donuts, brother gave me $5 gift card.

Please read previous post in order to understand the sense in this.

I mentioned church and finding chri...chard pryor. I found this song to be of great comedy. 'in my humblest of views


Since I mentioned 14 shades of grey in previous post. Aaron lewis you're an awesome performer. Given the genre even a little too much heart to believe considering I firmly believe you're straight. I know, first I make seemingly homophobic remarks now an antonym opinon.

I mentioned in previous post, crying in a public place today. Well, as I said I'm not too proud for nothin'. But crying around family members. Few moments don't change long years and as opposed to me being very friendly towards all preferences/identities and whatnot, in my being hetero stands out in my heart so deeply that such effeminate behaviors I just can't allow. But what I can allow, is to admit all truths. RIGHT HERE.

Aside from the fact I'm a high end multi-family Godfather. But hey, we all have our downfalls.

Although for a man living in retardacy. Problematic life is alot more testosteronally stable. It may be discomforting but the punishment of it solves all. Always something to think about, always something to solve. When you never come about any solid solutions it keeps it going simply. Then, if problems dissapear. The punishment of comfort begins. Facing yourself. And in deep shame hoping for troubles to return. Despite their initial aggravation, it gets goin'. But, hallalujah, jesus saves.


My beloved greg iles passin' up princeton skollaship for ole miss. I sonned him in writing technique.

What is sonned? Word of the day, verb which means "To make ones son".

Forget dave chapelle
I murder before u even hear the bell
fellas go and front on my sell
cause i pocket off shell
step out i'm well
5 fingered a dell and all ended swell.

Previous post. First important item to me to clarify sober...somewhere. Well, s's now.

Or rather, the fact that I don't know the size of my underwear and for that to remain a fact till atleast my 75th court date on the same beat case. If someone spoils this for me, I'm fucked and that's not necessarily only possible by my own hands. Runnin' thin line between comedy and crime admission. But, How the SVU guy said it, "I COULD BEAT THE BOX".

Well, if you added the residue of burroughs brilliance of nietzsche heart of doestoevsky put a freud crown on it and had 'this worn' some cal birkcleys or long johns or what you call those expensive trust fund joints guys wear in the summer. but one guy said he does year around. Anyhow, you still wouldn't have even a quarter of me. Maybe if I live past my court date, I'll order fifty cent's last album from amazon. I remember the first 2 items I ever bought on that site. "You are worthless" (book)  philip and dikkers is it? and "14 shades of grey" Staind album. Now onto walking back and forth talking to myself before I leave to go to this NA meeting. Unfortunately I still feel some form of mind intoxication due to whichever of the reasons so I won't speak.

Forget shallow and pedantic. It's come to scallops and semantic. DARN. Ah well. What are scallops anyway?

^ that was night


I cried in church today around people I don't even know. Any of them, actually. I didn't stay for lunch or breakfast whichever they consider it to be not because I was too proud but because nasal cloggage really spoils appetite.

The reason I allowed myself to do that is because...

My father might be a man of hardened work ethic and i might be a bottom feeder junkie but outside all that great stuff, I've become the same kind of asshole he is. Indepth character. And I couldn't let that be. Even at the expensive of ... my self-image , manhood, whatever spin i chose for it to be day to day.

Manners before morality, man. I never in any scene or instance or circumstance no matter how high or low sick or well let that contrary be. EVER. Because it's more important to do the right thing than to shove right down somebodies fucking throat. Originally, I said it as "To be right". But that puts pride into the self-absorbed sounding statement and I've found....chr....richard pryor. Right. He was good.

Now, after a cigarette. This isn't no suicide note. I've found chri...chard pryor. I'd never do it. But if push comes to shove and it's afforded to me. Whatever shuts off pain 'ceptors the quickest.

Rather not if, *when.

My life till that point...being in the company of other people is rather distressing for a Savant. That's why I avoid it for the most part aside formal scenes where there's no presumed character just whatever ethics fit, so to speak. Yes it was my...or rather, I was onto S in the alphabet. N-S so far. Neurologically simplified I guess that stands for. What remains today. 

As I said my 2 trips to jail I read "The Kite runner" and "The brain that changes itself" .. but u know what? My brain ain't got shit to change. On a side note, as stated...I've got nothin' to prove to nobody. First book was surprisingly good stuff. Second one, thank you Nnrman Doidge. Very uplifting man. Aside freud and his idea that sexual preference can have a 100% change.  What a fucking joke. As I said no free man in a voluntary concious...or rather on that level, will have any such change. Otherwise I wouldve long been all about dudes. Couldve been a NY Times best seller 50 times over by now I'd imagine. HAH!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

I'm not dumb I'm fucking retarded... "There's a difference".

Shit at the peak of mind function I could've aced yale law on the nod. With formal mediators present in my life guiding me. But that formal shit goes out the door when you start mainlining cocaine so yeah, I don't know the size of my underwear and can quote Nietzsche!

This is outside fiction. I see my father got his hands on some nembutal. I'm not sure what I ingested it in. But I feel a very barbiturate-like intoxication effect atm. Likely the soda remains I drank, only took a few sips though. A disgrace to his ethnical background using it to the very advantage of homosexually-inclined satanic behavior. Who would've thunk. But there's nothing to be done to him because prison? He can get into that, I know for a fact. Being the sissy and taking up the ass from another man. Death? He's up there in age. And de-limbing etc....that ruthlessness is on a level of its own. This is real life not a cocaine mafia documentary. Pops figures he'll take advantage of my suicide-like remarks and take me but forgets who the man between us is. And regardless of how it spins, he's ... well,  If I had money I'd buy him some lady gear for fathers day.

back to writing for creative purposes.

:Everyone's seen how my head's a lil bigger than other folk right so dude comes up to me in rikers holding cell while im watin to get my subX he looks at me smiles looks at his friend says "Look at him. Imagine this nigga headbutt you, It's oVER.".

Now on to writing today's passage, it's of the letter N.

I've got Nowhere to hide
Nothing to prove
Nobody to impress
result of a No to the condom
She agreed on Nevsky
I myself had a Narraganset girl
As you see I'm all about N's
Even one Negro richard pryor
Maybe I'm being autistically Naive
I forgot where I was going with that, Neurological damage.
Just composed the Nerve to expose me as nice.

The narraganset girl is karissa kaniley or some variation in spelling of last name. Friend was shovin broads into bed with me left and right in different states. I'm not sure which of these 2 is the subconcious reason i didnt fuck any of them.

either a) I was too proud cause they didn't like me rather him from the start
or b) I didn't want to ruin our friendship by clarifying my lust towards women. Being fully aware of him...not really being his preference.


Now 2:14 am , got home from a brief walk. Oddly enough I didn't even think of the most important N when discussing the letter. But I just ran across a young lady who exclaimed "Walked by me, like he doesn't even know me."

Killed that N's sentiment. Although it was wrong of me to call her at all in the recent past. Especially...the recent rikers event. that was, ah well.

You're being spiteful alexis, unless...

I've hallucinated about a dozen look-a-likes. Anyhow, a cat on my neighbors porch just initiated a staring contest with me. Odd. He lost pretty quick because rules generally, you can't blink. But I turned away first due to me sympathising with the cat being such a fierce competitor. I'm not sure, maybe blinking is something cats do more often involuntarily. Knowing something to be true and knowing something to be fact are two different things.(Mayhaps I've lost it?!) Okay, I'll get into writing this later or after my coffee or something.

Mr. Flannery. I'm not sure about you, your origins. If you're in that segment freud claimed mid-life preference change type of thing...or.... But, that attempt at an empty glare in your eyes , what is it's intent? Hey ok. so I stole recently, it was a dollar item that was food and I had no access to food nothing but a dirty pair of socks in my pocket and was being isolated by all of staten island. ADD THAT TO MY CHARGES LIST INDIAN WOMAN!

How do you go to public places after someshit like this man, it's absurd. But the public's all I got. I don't have wealth to isolate myself. Despite snobby women driving by yelling at me "I wish I was smart like you make $40 an hour."

Cool. Bullying r-word campaignee . I'm glad staten islands tigresses are of class.

Put me on a lie detector on any issue, I've got NOTHING to hide.

Exploiting my existence to test the philosophies in americas legal system. sigh. Right from the get go, huh.

^ now onto 2:12pm june 18 2016.

Cardholder, photographic memory wen't down the drain but nevertheless... I'm all in.

I'll be more careful in regards to throwing out my suboxone strips where they can't be retrieved. And if someone "at the casino" still shoves more suboxone in my face(with family hands) while i'm getting off this shit then I guess I was born to decay slowly as a dopefiend. But tomorrow morning, hopefully meeting I intend to go to ,myt mind is clear by then. Because I can ALWAYS tell when there' s any intoxicating effect on ym mind. that "awkward nervousness" is somewhat relieved. If it's present. I'll go to NA. I'll have to stand in the room because I'll be sweating by the time I get there but that's alright. I have all the medications I need as necessity , barely anything to eat but ppl in wars got by with less. And if someone "at the casino" pulls the switch and stops my heart through out this time period. I guess laughing during cardiac arrest with an endorphin deficiency is practically impossible so I'll cringe. But I'll cringe knowing I did what's right.

There are some "right things" which are right in the eyes of all. without any question. by all standards in all books etc. It's JUST RIGHT. As well as some wrongs. I firmly believe despite all my neurological damage that in suboxone withdrawal I will be able to reason enough to act only on universal law. that which I know to be 100% right. Suboxone withdrawal doesn't induce psychosis, t's not possible. Like alcohol or benzos for example. Suboxone w/d is barely even noticeable comparing to strong synthetics ie methadone or heroin. I guess asking for sex from any female in the kind of mind state I'll be in is wrong and masochistic shit is wdely ambiguous so I'll restrain myself on that one.

One person who's approach to this I already know, my father. Mediator of sideline commentary, now with the help of his TV screen . Well he can do as he pleases, lived a mudak he'll die one as well it looks like. More than likely he's already drugged me by putting substance into the little food in the fridge or just doin it to me while I'm asleep. If any of this benefits medical research I'm glad . Otherwise as I said, lived a mudak, he'll die one. Whenever that happens. I'll die first he made me that guarentee ages ago as a man of character and work ethic.
Between my father and I . In the universal law between right and wrong, if I'm wrong then I'm sorry to him and in general. It doesn't look to be so to me, though.

I suppose I can define what the word "faggot" implies in social context. Where it's not related to sexuality. It's passive cowardice. A coward snake mayhaps is best way to explain it.

Or maybe I wrote all this for the sake of writing and it's just the self-expression of a withering away coward with an addiction problem. Well, humidity in hot weather with the kind of health I'm in at this point(not 22 anymore have had diabetes for awhile.) Will leave a very unpleasant after taste coming from my aura towards those surrounding me and I don't wish to have to lock myself in a room. Mind you, I'm residing in a house atm where people can't really afford air conditioning or nothin.

Ultimately I should be residing as a Tolstoian Autist ( in a group home for autistic people ) or as a Kafkaesque hungerer ( at the bronx zoo as a site for people to view when I'm bone thin ) . There's not too much wrong in those ideas huh

When I first got to rikers island, I was put in a cell block. Meaning I had my own cell. One guy I heard talking to his pals in the TV room says "I've done my time in prison done enough time countin imaginacy mice in solitary confinement." Man I've been counting text on a laptop screen for years and during atleast 50% of that time in discomfort. But I think in the shape I'm in today if I had to focus hard enough to imagine mice to count, I'd give myself a fucking I have to restrain on that idea!


Friday, June 17, 2016

Forget sorrows of young werther.

I got The Spoils of Young Summer. (More brilliance by yours truly)

Anyhow, the way I imagine memory gaps in childhood as to why they're there and can be remembered as so is some sort of traumatic experience a person can't later identify or process. To me 'psychological studies' aren't enough to show fact. It's either 100% fact or it's not. Science or shallow. All or nothing at all. eetc or sumsing.

Yeah, okay. I'm a troubled person. But I know first hand of three important M's . manhood morals and manners. *sigh*. But I know the CIA has my website blocked off and is publishing my genius under some other dewdz n4m3!!!

... 3 day meditational trance at the staten island ferry terminal. 55/72 hours roughly give take 5 inside the terminal or at bus stop by it. slept maybe 8 of those hours.

Скоро выйдет на свободу хачикБока
i can't forget the humor in the situation i came across this song in. *sighs in joy*

^ last night

This morning...

My name is paul and I'm an addict. Last night I thought today is sunday and figured I'd be at NA at 10:30. I go once in awhile to specific locations locally once I manage to forget the faces I've become aquianted with and more so those that offer to drive me home. (More than likely, well, what's the polite word in english. Oh right, homos.) Now it's 5:35 am which is roughly an hour earlier than i intended to get up. But how much accessibility and unbreakable unspoken agreements tie into addiction where the level of overall ailment(related  to former) and affliction(to latter) pretty much bind one on decisiveness in using a drug. My family which are really the only people I have not because I care too much to have them but more so the fact that I am greatly against the company of others on any social scale. Amongst other absurd ideas that pop into my head binding me to this act I put on day to day. Anyhow, I've counted how many days the suboxone strips that I've left will last me. I threw them out but one of my family members took them out of the garbage and put them on my shelf. Were they helping me? Ofcourse not. It's actions not words which define sociopathy. Them, not me. Oh yeah and I never go to NA if I've used or am under the influence of any narcotic/substance/drink. Because that's how they claim the meeting runs. When half these faggots with so many years clean are methadonians and such. Cowardice, a persona below sociopathy. Let me go take my strip now.

Now onto a condition referred to as "Munchausens" in psychology. I believe I have another condition which is the antonym of it that I've come up with, Hyperchausens. Avoiding the attention of medical facilitators at all cost. Or in my case where it's often needed, limiting the small talk to the shortest span and overall contact to the briefest stay which would reimburse ideas of 'sick' or generally similar concept. 2 hours at the ER as opposed to making an appointment with my doctor which would be 2 weeks later and time at the office more time than it takes at the ER to get the problem taken care of. Ok, I've circumstantially defined hyperchausens for my particular case!

I owe someone an apology. For my presence.  Sitting by me on a bench manhattan side of the SI ferry, the young girl with the odd hair style and her skirt colleague. I say this due to that chances are your hair style are for a medical reason. and I'm an individual who's used drugs over a long time span without real medical necessity. Which lands me on "I'm wrong between us two.".