Read from first post on blog in 2011 to last. That's the whole book. (each post is related to each previous)">here

^ genius.
A little tale... (creative writing, yours truly)

My name is paul and I'm an addict.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Aight, 7/27, lucky number 7 I was born on the 27th so..

I started new drug program haven't taken suboxone 2 days now. Last outpatient attempt, I came fucked on drugs each time after getting told you can't nod off in group I was rude, ended up gettng kicked out the program. But god bless that young lady who sat in that group wih a noticeable amount of physical discomfort and mde it clEar she's refusing narcotics/pain meds cause she's an addict. If she or rather come across this. Thanks for inspiration. I'm done with this fucking trash suboxone and all other alternatives/narcotics.

I guess facing myself in the mirror wasn't enough for recovery from here I am, done with this suboxone shit and alternatives. If it brings me to circumstance of great suffering...I'll know I payed as heavy for my sins as my teenage years hero the late and last, god, well ok...just John(basketball player, long time ago).  I'm no great criminal or nothin' but I've got my share of foul in history. Another signature of great nerve(so to politely speak)Willie nelson. 83.

For rap fans in elite schools who want references to their universities in a freestyle. (pun instrumental)

random nonsense freestyle over "Trap" instrumental.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Today, I was out on a very expensive date..

I gifted my accompanee half a cigarette I bummed ---oh wait that might'v e happenand

 I've comitted a delayed sin and no developmental pretense so it's delayin'

ITS 10:33am I am paranoid

That either A) I'm being drugged at night taken to dialysis spots and being treated for what ive fucked myself into not knowing (MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT)
or B) gays are coming over, same time span and raping me drugged.
or C) 3rd one to boot. it's 2/2 if so, before significant area nerve endings fail i'd like some of this medical treatment be replaced with...the most flawless physique UNNATURAL blonde at 5'8, hotel dont matter, any hotel spot will do, dont have to be hilton. A fuck is a fuck. I respect women but evidently plenty are into this 'hustle'', so..

Level of avoidance I mentioned last post after that...well how much socially adequate/respectful foreplay can there really be? She'll make a few comments, recite whatever. I'll spew enough wit and end it with a comforting romantic poem and we get to business. I call it "inclined by testosterone, r-word campaign benifactor".

ONCE AGAIN A CORRECTION: The definition of "Penis envy" might be envying a penis an organ u dont have, might be the lgbt definition. A_T. But between 2 men, let me define articulately and adequately for you:

It's envying ones manhood, testosterone levels, character resulting from the former or the latter.(Even both, imagine ?) You want a 3rd one's a charm? Watch a ric flair video, maybe richard pryor when he's really cracked out.

Not too long ago, I mentioned...

Me walkin' by the beach enjoyin' the sun coughin' violently at 30-45 second intervals for a few miles and commented 'show me another man that could get through that..

Then yestrday, is it? I got this letter in the mail about ambulette services? ARe you fucking kidding me? An ambulance is a seperate story, it's an emergecy with minimal interpretation of social deficiency. But an ambulette? Doubtedly. Not in my life time, not on TWO legs. Not at 33 years old. Let's put it that way.

Now let's get on to maturity, becoming more mature is a social process when a man becomes 95% socially avoidant he' matures at the 5% intake and you toss developmental delay on top of that and a brilliant mind?


Me making any criminal references is simply just out of frustration or it's for fictionay witing technique purposes. I'm a repeat offender. But I'm not a hardened criminal figure.

If my name is being exploited in any way, what can I do? I've no clue of it.

My name is paul and I'm an addict.

The day I live with my subconcious undertoning "I'm a freak of nature" that I talk to people like I'm on that I approach anyon as if or play the position for my own benefit is the day I shoot myself in the fucking face. Man first, All else second. At any cost under any circumstance and the expense it's at. I'm pavel, sory wrote it wrong on top with addict. Pavel Geller.

I'll fuck your mother in her face till I break her jaw, faggot.

I'll pass out logged in probably If I get exploited fictionally or financially while at it, "Oh well".

Monday, July 25, 2016

"That's why you should never gamble, anthony." - Tony Sopranos father .. "The Sopranos"

Then he said a man honors his debts. I have to gamble to honor my debts.

My debt to society.

- Pavel Geller

Let's get real here. Regular ladies admire lesbians cause lesbos are.. "more in control". Heterosexual men..well they sub-conciously favor gay cause gay got their way with the ladies like no dick who'll stay hard inside them ever will. (Though in my case, it's not sub. It's conciously. Cause I ain't gettin' no ass, period.) True story, pashanewyork. What?

Any ladies want a really really quick romance in my mothers basement after a bottle of 30$ + bottle you cover, let me know. after a few drinks, we can get settled on each others appearance. I can accept the fact that you're hot and your 'boyfriend' is gay. And you can accept the fact that he's the one that bought you for me.

Aight, this is a "Blatnoy udar  - Siju i travku kuru" cover. I couldn't find the instrumental so sang over him (him playing quietly my undertone so to speak) coughin' was unavoidable due to sub-conciously supressed guilt.

This song right here, it's a russian word for..idiomic "Aimless wanderer". One time I was drunk in semi-withdrawal state passin' out on a park bench, two guys sit down next to me they start drinkin. look over at me, one asks "WHOS THAT?" other one goes "Ah, Brodyaga".
Brodyaga is the word for aimless wanderer.


i'm a small guy, wouldn't be any fight. it'd just happen. but hey, i do love her.

Just when my suboxone script date is up I need to be sent to a rehab away from the city where they DO NOT do suboxone or ANY alternative and if I ask to leave they play me that brando video "ju kan act like a man! watsamatta with u?" and say u'll be walkin a cpl hundred miles. AND ThATS THAT. i need time away...where ppl aren't closely aware of my identity, my face, my large forehead and all that shit. Around MEN of MENS PREFERENCES who UNDERSTand  that IM A MAN MYSELF.

That's all folks, I've eaten all my pills and shit even out the fucking it goes down how it goes down.
<3 p="">

What it looks like today.

Take a good look at me. Who can I associate with on a sober head and humble level? It's between sick people and homos. Well in regards to the latter, if you've got a sister who'll get into me on your word, you can watch us on cam. As far as sick people, they're welcome to any side/part and even residue of me. Whatever it may be.

But charlotte, someone close to me expressed doubt of your oncological needs thus I will have to ask you if they're true. If so, I'll keep mainlining, swallowing and sniffing everything I get my fucking hands on. I'll die however it comes on that note. Because you're sick yourself. But if you've lied, I forgive you. And I will stop everything. However it goes. Whatever it takes.

Let me drink my tea now.

First paragraph...I'd say amongst the younger preference benders, dont even have to be sister. even mom.

"Why be the soul of society? When it's got no soul at all." - Vladimir Vysotsky (1938-1980)

Well, I've told that 2 people can stop my druggly obscenely disgusting behavior. Those 2, my mother and charlotte. They can simply say the word "Stop". First asked of mother, she didn't. Called charlotte, she saved me. Said it. My mother was near by, she commented on charlotte being right. So that's it. Hope I wake up in time for and make it to NA.


Afternoon token of genius here:

This is what a mans laughter revolves around. The more disciplinary action that's taken on a man as a child(and possibly growing up) the more he laughs. The less of it, the less laughter. Although when it's abusive discipline the man is stuck the same as thar man who got no discipline. and vice versa or some wild shit like that. To add to it. Discipline on a man outa  be of physical nature. On a woman, verbal. If it's added verbally to a man(so to speak), man becomes more selective with his crowds that he's humorous around. If it's added physically to a woman...well shit I'm a man, I wouldn't know.

Now let's add a touch on sexuality. I think signature of hormonal development signifies ones sexual preference. Higher levels in a boy's childhood, boy's straight. And vice versa or is it vice ver se? some shit like that

yo counselin' ann marie, how you like them apples?

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Well, and so I walked.

I've been introduced to mahler, r.i.p maestro. am I dead myself? r.i.p savant. Neverthless, he assisted me in recoiling my last taste bud. I've got but one tooth left and not a single buddy...Will you be my friend? Wait, who how could I ask collective thinking to reconcile my failures....this would require sailors. Have I sunk? Who would've thunk..

yo kareva junior, sister senior. we'll never be, i'm a bum, you're of class. i know ya moms will pass but if somebody finds me chto je ti zaraza instrumental, i'll do it for you. STRAIGHT LIKE THAT.

hey valka, your beloved vysotsky was born 1938, turn last 2 digits around 1983, you got ME.

Now it's next day 8:47am on july 25th.

At one point(and to an extent to this day) I'd walk around thinkin to myself..."Oh look at this broad, she's one hot piece of  ass. Thats my lady" But sub-concious says I speedball and I'm a juvenile diabetic, I ain't got 10 grand to get her in bed with me. So what's really good?

One day, I went to a comedy club in manhattan with 3 ladies I know(One of whom was my lover(yes we did fuck) at one point. So they sit us in the front ofcourse after taking one look at me. Crackheads and lesbians talkin' funny. Cpl of references to me. Ofcourse my companions don't laugh. How could they? They my people, females. I'm heterosexual. They could hurt my feelings

But I just took a walk by the beach, a few miles. On the way back I see this beauty gettin into her car. I says "Phew, Let me get the sweat off my forehead, sunshine" I wiped my forehead with a graham cracker. I referred to her as beautiful. Audibly ofcourse.

It is what it is. What can I say.

I've always thought of myself as the innocent of the genre, kindness of the spirit, humanitarian of the organ donor society. BUT LETS GET REAL HERE, IVE ALWAYS BEEN A SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLE. Now I have to make up for it. Live with myself and my past. Charlotte, anything and everything for you. Period.

July twoytee foh too thousund 16.

Those who want respect, give it. When I'm in a state of mind where I can't do that, I stay alone. Keep to myself. Guy who takes care of my domain name (PASHANEWYORK.IT, YOU ALREADY KNOW.) said it can be profitable for me or some shit like that. I replied IF I DONT KNOW YOU I DONT WANT TO KNOW YOU. That was a little extreme of me.To lighten and add to it .. "If you don't know me well enough already, right off the bat before we meet or are aquianted or I say a word. The word will never be audibly spoken.

My dear Charlotte, you are currently and likely're the sole exception to that rule o' mine.

"Eh?" Sorry Kristina P if I'm a lil' too tight for stained stains. Or was it staind?

Some of todays chat (ERRR, talkin' to myself)

time to call my past, sing on her mailbox
I sent my message with urgent delivery, I was told goodbye.
Thing of the past.
I don't walk away from coincedences. They're gods way of staying anonymous, charlotte.
When ugly is thrown at me, if so. How could I become intimate with such, it's no coincedence. I look at the mirror, I see ugly enough. You charlotte, 

Switched over windows of chatference. If charlotte herself don't love coincedental soulmate.(it's no coincedence she's in my soul.)


man, please . if you trap me and use anesthesia to rape me. Atleast use lubricant, dry it up after. So I'm not aware of this occurance. I was born and am a heterosexual :(

God forbid.

If a guy helps me in recovery from alcoholism/addiction etc and bluntly expresses his fascination and/or feelings for/of me. I can't play that card. I'll have to walk to meetings till I find a man who's into what I'm into if I don't find that man. It is what it is. I'll go on walkin' .

Friday, July 22, 2016


While back I read of this criminal case. A 19 year old
boy hd sex with a 17yr old female. Her parents found out.
He was registered as a sex offender. That's absurd.
This particular case; females mature faster than males
A 17f is ATLEAST as mature as a 19m and the tiny age
difference shoudlnt have had him put down as a sex
offender. He'll never be able to live near a school
again and such. My further writing I don't believe
level of punishment should be lightened. But a man
with a developmental delay(and more so cognitive impairment
on top of it) up till delay is no longer relevant
and he can be considered a man, ladies age and severity
of his delay should be put into consideration. With
America's liberal proficiency in neuro-testing and psychology
studies I don't , think we're far from where there should
be consideracy on level of punishment and it's circumstances
unless girl is pre-puberty and guy is post-puberty.
There was a case in russia where a man was caught for
and proven of pedophilia. Overnight in a cell at the
precinct where only police couldve gotten to him, this
occured, He was found dead the next morning. I firmly
believe any man post-puberty caught molesting a girl
pre-puberty deserves NOTHING SHY OF DEATH.

Your philosopher, poet, illest rapper, brilliant writer,
Developmentally delayed savant miracle

Yours truly,

Pavel Geller Aka "Pasha"


Thursday, July 21, 2016

I know this blog is widely viewed and on that note.

I've been going to AA. August 2nd is the last day i'll ingest a pill or shot or a drink. brothers birthday august 3rd.

my paypal addy is

I wouldn't mind some help, If I've not gotten...what can I say, an alcoholic gets down on himself fairly easy.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Pasha's past.

 When I was a teenager, I met 3 young ladies they were like the 3 saintly myshkin met in "The Idiot"..the only girl he kissed in that book he did it out of sympathy. I met a girl like that too, I talked to her out of sympathy. the 3 youngin's they laughed AT ME. When I got older, I met another 3 young ladies..2 sisters and their mother. valentina/anastasia/nataliya. They loved me. Laughed WITH ME. One of them was the innocence idealogy in my i'm gettin into the SORROWS OF YOUNG WERTHER. And here...he also had 3 women in his life. Then he met his "Charlotte". I met my charlotte recently, except on IRC. Charlotte aka YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MA.

i dropped outa HS in 9th grade due to sickness but

 these 4 italian dudes, 3/4 were gay. and they were always havin whole body shaved. always aggravated this american jewish dude who was prolly suckin their cock in the bathroom. then one day, this cute italian chick who expressed feelings for me in the oddest fashion. she had these 3 italian fellas sittin around me and she says "I wouldn't mind watching them fucking you."
My face turned red.

 My father always loved me. And he's always led a very ethically-inclined hard workin' mans life so he got to live romantically through me. I remember once for 45-50 days, cpl of times a week he'd drive me to where I needed to go t odo my theft runs (for shit to sell so i can buy smack and coke), then i'd be in brooklyn IV speedball in this ol' timers basement
....I respected the ol' timer even tho he wsa a junkie, guy was mid 50's in age and steel had the nerve to tolerate speedball onset and withdrawal from smack

theres not a single romantic aspect of a life the poor man can live in nyc that I didn't get to enjoy or even suffer through


 dont give a fuck
 who my neighbors are
what they do for work
what they background looks like
 they know ENUFF BOUT ME

 and ALL OF THEM love me.

Me towards them? I respect them, that's all that's important on my part.

Hopefully near future,